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I feel so alone

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New world...? [21 Dec 2012|11:54pm]

[ mood | melancholy ]

No, there is no new world. Just times of diversion to confuse my sense of reality. I wish the age of the Aquarius actually meant something for me. I'm rather dissapointed the world didn't end. Although I think that was just a made up misinterpretation and was never a prophecy from the Mayans or anyone else.  I guess it just begun so I should stay hopeful...maybe the affect of the aligning of the planets takes a while or something. More wishful thinking. It seems really that nothing all of a sudden changes in a grand way. I'm tired of being dissapointed, so I think I am just going to accept that there is no dawn of something good. I really tried to be positive today, but I don't want to delude myself. Other people do that for me plenty. I think the way I need to handle this is accept it for what it is and expect nothing else. I just wish I had the strength to leave- but I know I don't.

I have to admit...I feel jealous and left out (you'd think that feeling would be permanently part of me and not sting anymore) but I wish I was invited to go for drinks to celebrate Aaron's finishing school. But I guess him and Cameron are friends and I'm not their friend. Even though I really really wish I was. It would make me really happy- I know because it's hard to hold back  teary eyes while I am typing/thinking about this. I should know that last night was nothing more than the actions of an intoxicated human. It had no meaning, just fun words and sensual actions because it fit the moment and nothing else. Oh how my hope seems to revive it's self from post mortem. It really shouldn't.

I would be happy to die surrounded by the sanctity of Earth. Forest soil under my body, rain dropping into my mouth and carefully splashing on my skin. Gazing up at the dark sky filled with stars and none but the moon witnessing my departure. The fog acknowledging my last breaths.

What peace, What happiness, What tranquility

2 found me crying| save me I'm lost

[09 Apr 2011|10:40am]

posted here many years ago, so now this comes full-circle.
Thank you for having this community, though sparse now it is,
to be able to write this to someone but myself...

Am again in a state. Feels like my innards are eating themselves,
Think of this; This becomes that; that becomes something that reminds
me of the One that brings such pain, that even thinking becomes a minefield.
My friends see only the strong me, the one that's 'fine', obviously contented
to rot in this misery just below the surface. And it's not their fault,
the stubborn, tight-lipped ass I am. What am I fighting for.
Maybe a real friend, that could handle what was inside, though every time it comes out,
they balk, and I pretend it isn't actually that bad, though really it's just the surface.
It's days spent fleeing it. Hours spent contemplating this-or-that suicide method.
There's good days, but they feel so deluded...

Want to escape to anything, though know from experience the demons will find me anywhere
on this earth, to tear at my flesh and dreams.
save me I'm lost

my newest failure... [18 Aug 2010|01:20am]

so there is this big mess with me and my only friend
or so i thought there was
apparently at first there wasn't
but i kept pushing for answers which lead to the huge mess
which i still don't understand

but now i fear that i lost/am losing my only real friend i have here

idk what to do
clearly my first instinct of freaking out doesn't help...

i just have no one to talk to anymore
and i worry that it will stay like that

i only wanted to have someone to talk to here
and keep me company
but apparently i can't even have that
save me I'm lost

[29 May 2010|06:38pm]

[ mood | distressed ]

I'm new here. And I just think I need some help?support? for whatever this is I'm dealing with. I dont know how much I can say in a first post, so I guess I'll post again soon. :(

1 found me crying| save me I'm lost

"Lonely: A Memoir" [29 May 2010|01:30pm]

"I felt a certain dumbing down in the midst of my loneliness. I couldn't read as quickly or as well as I used to. I wasn't as imaginative. I said less. Without people around me, I began to feel as though I were taking up less space. I sometimes felt so ungrounded, so immaterial and unreal, that I thought I might just drift away....

"I changed. This was the hardest thing to accept – that I couldn't be lonely and remain myself. I became less spontaneous, less confident and secure. Interacting with others, I had to hide my feeling of marginalisation, and since marginalisation had come to define my life, I wound up hiding most of myself. I wanted to turn back into the former me, the connected me, but I couldn't find my way back. Loneliness seemed to have dropped me somewhere deserted, without compass or map or much hope of return."
save me I'm lost

First timer... [26 May 2010|02:42pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

I cannot ever stop feeling sad and lonely. I am thinking about telling my family about how I feel, but I'm not sure how they will react. I don't know what triggered it. I just hate myself all of the time and I have so much stress over everything and... I don't care about anything anymore. All of my friends think that I am pissed off at them or something which only makes things worse and worse. I can't stop feeling like if I died, all of my problems would just dissipate. I have thought about suicide so many times but I love my family and friends and don't know what I would do without them and what they would do without me. Am I too weak to even end all of my misery and solitude? I don't have anything that pleases or interests me. I play the cello and I used to adore playing all the time. Now its like I have to convince myself to be proactive and do something with my time. I hate it so much and if it's just me being a teenager then I hate it and just wanna grow up. I hate everything about my life. I hate my job, my school/work ethic, where I live all of it... I don't know how to tell anyone about my problem or how to fix it. I feel like I'm always sitting in a dark deep hole that is my life. If that's what life is like then hey, it shouldn't be too different from the grave right?

save me I'm lost

really alone. [31 Dec 2009|02:58pm]
I just told my many boy toys to take a hike. I want my new year to start off right, alone and waiting on the person I'm suppose to be waiting on. Now my phone will stop ringing and I'll go back to where Im going and hopefully I won't get depressed since I'll be there all alone.

I don't have many friends, usually only guys. Now its New Year's Eve and I'm really alone. There's a party going on at my house, but I've just taken my sleeping pills and I'm ready to be alone.
It's also this town that brings me down. Its cold, raining, and brings back memories of my father. I'm ready to be back where I belong, and that's not in the town I grew up in.
But its time for me to be a better person about things, and having those guys in my life, was doing nothing but bringing me down even more. I just want things to be right.
1 found me crying| save me I'm lost

advice? [28 Dec 2009|09:15pm]
okay so since i've been 14 i've dated this crazy little dude named eric. not the healthiest relationship...i cut myself & i was really self destructive as a teenager & growing up. i'm 21 now. when i was 17 he went into the military & when i turned 18 i married him even though i was like, in love with some girl at the time. i dropped out of highschool yaddayadda ya.
i dated other people & partied a lot & was kinda a bitch. i've done some really shitty stuff to him. finally decided to divorce him & i started dating his best friend.. cuz i'm a cunt & i guess i like him. it's the first time i've been on my own... well & i'm living with my parents. i sit all day everyday & do basically nothing. play world of warcraft. i cry a lot, cuz i miss him & i hate myself.
i think about killing myself a lot because well, i've done really horrible, rude things in my life & i'm so alone now. it doesn't matter how many people i'm around, i still feel alone because i'm not with him.
i mean, i guess i could get better but i dont feel like anything is ever going to get better. & i keep eating. i'm gaining weight. i don't have a car...i never see any of my friends anymore because i am embarrassed about the weight i've gained. it's been like 4 months & i keep getting fatter. i can't fit into my size 3's anymore. dude, i cant fit into anything except my pj pants.

i feel like i'm just in this hole of self doubt & self hatred & i don't know how to get out of it.
i can't make anyone love me. i am sorry for the shit i've done & i don't know what to do.
1 found me crying| save me I'm lost

My Blog [07 Dec 2009|09:05am]

[ mood | aggravated ]

Here is a link to my blog if anybody wants to read it.

save me I'm lost

Intro [29 Sep 2009|05:24pm]


Well I won't go so far as to say I am depressed... but I do get depressed from time to time. I am 27 and I stress out easily... I really (honestly) have no life. I work, then go home. I loooove to relax, so usually that's all I want to do once I am home.

I get asked out by friends to go hang out, and alot of times I say no thanks (the reason used to be because I had social anxiety)... now, "no" has just become my habitual first response. Well... now people just don't ask me to hang out anymore because I guess they've caught on to the fact that I'm "the girl who always says no".

I have a couple of close friends (really, they are my sister's friends that have become my friends) and I hang out with them kind of often... but they (and my sister) are moms, and all they want to do is be away from their husbands, talk about kids, diss marriage and men, etc. I hate it and stress out over it because I prefer to hang around guys and have some beers, but it's hard to when the only friends I have want the exact opposite. And it doesn't help that my best-guy-friend is such a game player... he's never clear on what he wants or wants to do.

When I try to socialize it's hard, because everyone's already moved on. I feel crippled now days, because I've messed up in the past with my "no" habits, thus really missing out on my 20s, and never gave myself the chance to figure out who I am or HOW I am. And now that I want to fix that and start my life... it's hard, because there's no one around to share it with.

Really sucks.
2 found me crying| save me I'm lost

friENDs [28 Sep 2009|02:13am]

i went to school out of state
but i graduated last year

now i'm home with absolutely no friends
while they are all either still in school
or living in New England

i think my closets friends are a 4.5 hr car ride away
sadly i need them enough that i'd be willing to make that trip
on many whims
but i have issues & don't drive
so that keeps me stuck here

it took me until my last yr of college
to finally feel like i had good friends
so graduating sucked bc i feel like i'll never have that again

it seems like i always need people
more than they ever need me

& i can't help but feel that my friends are forgetting about me
it sucks that they are/were the most important people in my life
but i'm no where close in theirs
they don't 'need' me
so it's understandable that they'll forget

i wish i could believe that we'll stay close
and still be good friends
but the matter of the fact is
that every day that passes
makes us that much further apart
1 found me crying| save me I'm lost

[14 Aug 2009|01:05pm]

 i tell people i hate myself and they tell me not to be silly.

yet they all wonder why i never seem to be happy any more, and why i can't gather the enthusiasm to do anything anymore. apathy has taken over. i wait for it to go away, but it seems stubborn. oh well. it's not like i care really.
1 found me crying| save me I'm lost

I'm not sure... [22 Jul 2009|03:02am]

If I have introduce myself, but I figure its about time.
I'm Chelsea.
I'm 18.

I'm not sure if I'm bipolar, but sometimes I feel on top of the world and others I just feel SOOO down. I get so lonely and sad. I get stressed and anxious. A lot of the time I really just need someone to talk to. It doesnt matter if its about me or them. I just need a nonjudgemtnal open minded true friend. I love to listen. I would like to get to know a number of people for who they truely are. Everyone has such interesting stories and opinions and philosophies. I'm really easy to talk to and get along with if people would just let me in.

Anyways thats me.
Thanks guys.
3 found me crying| save me I'm lost

[05 Jul 2009|02:46pm]

i have moments where i can smile and laugh and people think i'm alright, but most of the time i'm trapped inside myself, afraid to say or do anything.

every night i dream that everyone is trying to kill me. i never escape.

i know its all my fault.
save me I'm lost

Required fool-making [02 Jun 2009|01:04am]

[ mood | blank ]


I'm new to LJ and communites, and blogging, and whatever else this site holds. I'm just..trying to find myself, you know? I don't know. Please feel free to read my babbling and distorted thoughts. Offer advice or even tell me to go away. S'all fine with me to be honest. No, that's a lie. Haha. I don't know what to put here. I'm babbling and rambling and I'm going to stop.


1 found me crying| save me I'm lost

Yankee is a four letter word [17 May 2009|07:19pm]

[ mood | meh ]

I'm quite lonely
A little back ground I guess. I'm from DC, went to the air force academy, got a degree in bio chemistry but not a slot for medical school so because I was medically qualified I went to pilot training. They sent me to Columbus Mississippi and every friend I had at the Academy either went to grad/medical school or Laughlin. I had a great girlfriend when I moved here, but she hinted that she wanted to get married and I wasn't ready and you know how that ends... That was August of last year. I've been single since.
I don't like to drink/party, and was never a part of any party scene. Unfortunately that's almost all anyone does around here, so it's been kind of hard to make new friends. Pilot training is very stressful job, but I'd rather be there than at home. Weekends come and go and I spend them by myself. The highlight of the weekend is going to the gym Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
My family is just too far away to make visiting practical.
I don't know if I'm depressed. I think I'm just lonely. Everyone says it really is better to be single during pilot training so I can focus... but sometimes you just want someone to talk to about anything, you know?

save me I'm lost

my timing is always off [11 Apr 2009|09:59pm]

i know people know
how much it hurts
when someone you love
breaks up with you
or something of the like

but i don't think people understand
how much it can hurt
when you don't know what it's like
to be loved
to never have loved anyone
to never have had a relationship with someone

i always find out
that the people i like
already have a girlfriend
or are dating someone

time and time again
it's like i have some gift
of finding people
who are already involved

and i know it's wrong
but i've been talking to this kid
who already has a gf

but even so he talks to me as well

it's enjoyable at times
but then i get confused
because i realize that it isn't real
and that it's never going to be something

or i don't know
maybe somewhere way down the road
if they ever break up
it may become something

but i've had no luck so far
and i feel like i'll never have it

i'll never have what i want
because i'm always that girl that gets skipped over

the confusion makes me feel more alone
than before i started talking to him

i guess because i was at peace
with my loneliness before

and my stupid head
got some hope
when we started talking

i hate how alone i become

and it always seems
that whenever i need people the most
no one is ever around
5 found me crying| save me I'm lost

FUCKED OVER [04 Mar 2009|04:51pm]

[ mood | crushed ]


2 found me crying| save me I'm lost

So down. [24 Jan 2009|11:32pm]

Really really depressed right now. Not sure if it's hormones, or my diet or eating so much junk tonight or my sister being a grade-A asshole with a passion for shaking my belief in my own self-worth or what. It's been a fucked up night. On that time of the month so I stayed home when the rest of my family went out to dinner to celebrate my mom's birthday, in bed not feeling well and feeling shit about my body in general. I have no clothes that aren't sweat pants and shit (like I have some, but many don't fit and/or I don't have them with me..I just felt lousy about it because I'm too stubborn to go and buy some new ones because shopping for new clothes in sizes that I don't think are 'me' makes me really really depressed). So there's that. Then there's the fact that I'm doing a raw food diet and I've messed up a little today due to strong cravings and my own inability to control myself. I feel like utter shit about that. AND THEN on top of that, my sister made a comment about my size (being large or something of that sort) and then continued on later, to bitch when I borrowed her laptop because I was sick in bed while she was gone out with my family to enjoy herself with her boyfriend. So once she got back and saw that I had her laptop she bitched that I didn't ask, when I really hadn't intended to use it (she's ALWAYS like that and it's funny because I have no qualms about her using my computer when she comes to visit me or use any of my things) and snatched it away and sat down in front of the tv to watch a movie, closing her laptop (apparently, because that's what I saw when I came downstairs to grab a green tea). It's a very silly situation and I really ought to know better, but even just trying to talk to her nicely or even defend myself, it's like she can't even do that, she has to turn it into some sort of fight and then harp on me that I shouldn't even be defending myself. So I suppose that makes me feel utterly worthless if anything. God it hurts so much that we can't be... two close sisters that confide and trust each other and at least have an ounce of respect for one another. I'll admit I was probably in the wrong for borrowing her laptop without asking, but she really overreacts about things and I feel really stupid now about being upset about it if it's something so silly but I think it just reminds me of how far apart we are now.

I just feel really really low. I feel hurt and just completely lost; she was always someone I could depend on and vice versa. I feel really really alone too, like everyone somehow avoids me or hates me or something.. I don't know what to do. I'm seeing a therapist and have been since Oct. last year (consistently) and we just go over this stuff and I feel so low sometimes. I thought I was improving and things were actually getting better... Now, I just don't even want my sister in my life anymore...like I don't want her to come and visit me once school starts back up (we've been on strike, the TAs that is), and I don't want to be around her or speak to her when I'm visiting my parents. She likes to remind me how I have no job and not doing school and how lazy and selfish I am. I have tried very hard to bring some self-confidence into myself and tell myself that I do matter and that I do try (because I know I do), I've been working on this for months and it's like interacting with her seems to completely drain all that effort out and throw me back into that pit of depression and hopelessness.

I'm sorry to burden everyone here...I just needed some sort of...support I guess...just ignore this entry if it's bothersome. And prolly full of spelling errors and crap. Apologies.
5 found me crying| save me I'm lost

wow...I'm not that depressed [25 Jan 2009|05:36am]
I think it depends on who you spend time with (physically or through the internet) that affects how you think. It's weird but I revert to old habits  -TV, Internet when I feel down, but I can't survive with them as my only source of outlet. I'm an embarrassment to those who know me, but I try to avoid thinking much of it. Hmmm....I was kind of searching for depressed people and what they'd write. Sorry, but I did not expect to read or see desperation to such fearful levels...so I guess I'm just too comfortable with being who I am as I am. There's always chances for me to change I guess, but there's always new developments in that sector. I'm not yet an official adult yet. I'm in the midst of that painful process. jk. So don't feel so alone or depressed without me!! pathetic, I know, always trying to fit in somewhere.
save me I'm lost

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