Really really depressed right now. Not sure if it's hormones, or my diet or eating so much junk tonight or my sister being a grade-A asshole with a passion for shaking my belief in my own self-worth or what. It's been a fucked up night. On that time of the month so I stayed home when the rest of my family went out to dinner to celebrate my mom's birthday, in bed not feeling well and feeling shit about my body in general. I have no clothes that aren't sweat pants and shit (like I have some, but many don't fit and/or I don't have them with me..I just felt lousy about it because I'm too stubborn to go and buy some new ones because shopping for new clothes in sizes that I don't think are 'me' makes me really really depressed). So there's that. Then there's the fact that I'm doing a raw food diet and I've messed up a little today due to strong cravings and my own inability to control myself. I feel like utter shit about that. AND THEN on top of that, my sister made a comment about my size (being large or something of that sort) and then continued on later, to bitch when I borrowed her laptop because I was sick in bed while she was gone out with my family to enjoy herself with her boyfriend. So once she got back and saw that I had her laptop she bitched that I didn't ask, when I really hadn't intended to use it (she's ALWAYS like that and it's funny because I have no qualms about her using my computer when she comes to visit me or use any of my things) and snatched it away and sat down in front of the tv to watch a movie, closing her laptop (apparently, because that's what I saw when I came downstairs to grab a green tea). It's a very silly situation and I really ought to know better, but even just trying to talk to her nicely or even defend myself, it's like she can't even do that, she has to turn it into some sort of fight and then harp on me that I shouldn't even be defending myself. So I suppose that makes me feel utterly worthless if anything. God it hurts so much that we can't be... two close sisters that confide and trust each other and at least have an ounce of respect for one another. I'll admit I was probably in the wrong for borrowing her laptop without asking, but she really overreacts about things and I feel really stupid now about being upset about it if it's something so silly but I think it just reminds me of how far apart we are now.
I just feel really really low. I feel hurt and just completely lost; she was always someone I could depend on and vice versa. I feel really really alone too, like everyone somehow avoids me or hates me or something.. I don't know what to do. I'm seeing a therapist and have been since Oct. last year (consistently) and we just go over this stuff and I feel so low sometimes. I thought I was improving and things were actually getting better... Now, I just don't even want my sister in my life anymore...like I don't want her to come and visit me once school starts back up (we've been on strike, the TAs that is), and I don't want to be around her or speak to her when I'm visiting my parents. She likes to remind me how I have no job and not doing school and how lazy and selfish I am. I have tried very hard to bring some self-confidence into myself and tell myself that I do matter and that I do try (because I know I do), I've been working on this for months and it's like interacting with her seems to completely drain all that effort out and throw me back into that pit of depression and hopelessness.
I'm sorry to burden everyone here...I just needed some sort of...support I guess...just ignore this entry if it's bothersome. And prolly full of spelling errors and crap. Apologies.