n (gutterxglitz) wrote in alonendepressed,
n
gutterxglitz
alonendepressed

advice?

okay so since i've been 14 i've dated this crazy little dude named eric. not the healthiest relationship...i cut myself & i was really self destructive as a teenager & growing up. i'm 21 now. when i was 17 he went into the military & when i turned 18 i married him even though i was like, in love with some girl at the time. i dropped out of highschool yaddayadda ya.
i dated other people & partied a lot & was kinda a bitch. i've done some really shitty stuff to him. finally decided to divorce him & i started dating his best friend.. cuz i'm a cunt & i guess i like him. it's the first time i've been on my own... well & i'm living with my parents. i sit all day everyday & do basically nothing. play world of warcraft. i cry a lot, cuz i miss him & i hate myself.
i think about killing myself a lot because well, i've done really horrible, rude things in my life & i'm so alone now. it doesn't matter how many people i'm around, i still feel alone because i'm not with him.
i mean, i guess i could get better but i dont feel like anything is ever going to get better. & i keep eating. i'm gaining weight. i don't have a car...i never see any of my friends anymore because i am embarrassed about the weight i've gained. it's been like 4 months & i keep getting fatter. i can't fit into my size 3's anymore. dude, i cant fit into anything except my pj pants.

i feel like i'm just in this hole of self doubt & self hatred & i don't know how to get out of it.
i can't make anyone love me. i am sorry for the shit i've done & i don't know what to do.
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