n (gutterxglitz) wrote in alonendepressed,


okay so since i've been 14 i've dated this crazy little dude named eric. not the healthiest relationship...i cut myself & i was really self destructive as a teenager & growing up. i'm 21 now. when i was 17 he went into the military & when i turned 18 i married him even though i was like, in love with some girl at the time. i dropped out of highschool yaddayadda ya.
i dated other people & partied a lot & was kinda a bitch. i've done some really shitty stuff to him. finally decided to divorce him & i started dating his best friend.. cuz i'm a cunt & i guess i like him. it's the first time i've been on my own... well & i'm living with my parents. i sit all day everyday & do basically nothing. play world of warcraft. i cry a lot, cuz i miss him & i hate myself.
i think about killing myself a lot because well, i've done really horrible, rude things in my life & i'm so alone now. it doesn't matter how many people i'm around, i still feel alone because i'm not with him.
i mean, i guess i could get better but i dont feel like anything is ever going to get better. & i keep eating. i'm gaining weight. i don't have a car...i never see any of my friends anymore because i am embarrassed about the weight i've gained. it's been like 4 months & i keep getting fatter. i can't fit into my size 3's anymore. dude, i cant fit into anything except my pj pants.

i feel like i'm just in this hole of self doubt & self hatred & i don't know how to get out of it.
i can't make anyone love me. i am sorry for the shit i've done & i don't know what to do.
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well i can def relate to some of that- the not seeing friends in forever, but for different reasons. feeling alone even with people around.
it totally sucks.

other than that idrk what to tell you about everything else.
we all make mistakes. we all do stupid things. if we want things to change, we have to take initiative. we can't just wait around for things to happen. I've found the hard way that waiting doesn't get things done.

your friends should like you for who you are & not what you look like, but if you're that concerned you should start working out so that you can get back to your normal look & then go & see your friends bc it really sucks when you have no one to talk to.

tonight will be a new year; a perfect time to start new & get things back on track- or so everyone in the world says...