aoijiroikage (aoijiroikage) wrote in alonendepressed,

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New world...?

No, there is no new world. Just times of diversion to confuse my sense of reality. I wish the age of the Aquarius actually meant something for me. I'm rather dissapointed the world didn't end. Although I think that was just a made up misinterpretation and was never a prophecy from the Mayans or anyone else.  I guess it just begun so I should stay hopeful...maybe the affect of the aligning of the planets takes a while or something. More wishful thinking. It seems really that nothing all of a sudden changes in a grand way. I'm tired of being dissapointed, so I think I am just going to accept that there is no dawn of something good. I really tried to be positive today, but I don't want to delude myself. Other people do that for me plenty. I think the way I need to handle this is accept it for what it is and expect nothing else. I just wish I had the strength to leave- but I know I don't.

I have to admit...I feel jealous and left out (you'd think that feeling would be permanently part of me and not sting anymore) but I wish I was invited to go for drinks to celebrate Aaron's finishing school. But I guess him and Cameron are friends and I'm not their friend. Even though I really really wish I was. It would make me really happy- I know because it's hard to hold back  teary eyes while I am typing/thinking about this. I should know that last night was nothing more than the actions of an intoxicated human. It had no meaning, just fun words and sensual actions because it fit the moment and nothing else. Oh how my hope seems to revive it's self from post mortem. It really shouldn't.

I would be happy to die surrounded by the sanctity of Earth. Forest soil under my body, rain dropping into my mouth and carefully splashing on my skin. Gazing up at the dark sky filled with stars and none but the moon witnessing my departure. The fog acknowledging my last breaths.

What peace, What happiness, What tranquility
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